


Don't Fuck With Me (the power of batman and anime on my side)

by panicatthecisco



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics)
Genre: Bruce Wayne is Batman, Damian Wayne is a Little Shit, Dick Grayson is Robin, Gen Z Batfam, Jason Todd Has Issues, Vines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-06 10:33:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16830904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panicatthecisco/pseuds/panicatthecisco
Summary: It's a generally accepted fact that as the children of Bruce Wayne, you get anything you want. This includes your own Apple ID which allows you to download vine.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am obsessed with vines and DC comics. This is the result.

It's a generally accepted fact that anytime Bruce is out on patrol in the Batmobile and there's a sign for road work (which he always tries to be careful with- it's the law to slow down in a construction zone), Tim is going to say "Road work ahead? Um, yeah, I sure hope it does."

Every. Damn. Time.

Bruce doesn't get it. There's these things that his kids say all the time, like an inside joke, and he's most definitely not in on it. So he starts writing them down, taking note of the ones that occur most often. 

So far, his list is pretty extensive. 

1: After getting kicked off a roof, Dick landed in a puddle, hard, and once he'd stopped gasping for breath, yelled "I'm washing me and my clothes, bitch!" To which Damian promptly said, completely deadpan, "He's drunk as fuck." Bruce was baffled. 

2: After getting ~mildly~ stabbed by the Joker, Tim said "Mothertrucker, dude, that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick."

3: Bruce gave Jason's uniform boots an upgrade. The general consensus from the rest of the Bats was "WHAT ARE THOSE?" to which Jason replied pompously, "Those are my crocs."

4: Dick's voicemail greeting (which Bruce forced him to set up) was, for a time, "Thanks for checking in, I'm still a piece of garbage."

5: Bruce nearly had a meltdown after Jason casually announced one evening at the dinner table, "We all die. You either kill yourself or get killed." Damian then screeched "What you gonna do about it?" while Tim started beatboxing. 

6: After a late night Chipotle run while on patrol, Tim announced, "Oh my god, I love Chipotle, Chipotle is my life."

7: "Welcome back to me screaming: AAHHHHHHHH" can be heard on any given day of any given week at any given hour by any given Batkid.

8: Once, Dick asked Jason to toss him his gloves. Instead, Jason half-threw, half-shoved Damian at Dick. The response, was obviously, "I said my gloves," to which Jason retorted, "I thought you said Damian!" The child in question, once having picked himself up off the ground, screamed along with Dick, "Why the fuck would I say Damian?"

9: Every time they get in the car or Batmobile to go anywhere, someone always says "Give me my hat back Jordan! Do you want to see Uncle Cracker or no?"

10: And of course, any time anyone throws a batarang or a smoke grenade or a knife or literally anything, it's only after screaming "YEET." Bruce has often battled multiple villains with the help of the bats to a continual chorus of yeets in the background.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yet more because this vine thing is really getting out of control.

11: "WHAT THE FUCK, RICHARD?" literally any time Dick does something. Bruce tries to curtail the language, but it does him no good. 

12: When anyone winds up on the ground by accident, whether it be due to them slipping and falling or being pushed off a roof, someone will (Bruce believes the kids are contractually obligated) to scream "OH, HE NEEDS SOME MILK!"

13: Every Wednesday, a video will appear on the Wayne family group chat. It varies week to week as to who the featured member of the family is, but the message is always the same: "It is Wednesday, my dudes," followed by a long and loud scream. Often, the person filming is also wearing swim goggles. 

14: Once, at a fancy Wayne Enterprises charity dinner and gala, Bruce walked up in the middle of a long and animated story Jason was telling only to hear him say, "So, I was sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties..." He didn't stick around long enough to hear the ending. 

15: Whenever Alfred makes tacos for dinner, Damian makes a point of shrieking, "Fre sh ava ca doo" any time he glances at the guacamole. 

16: Any time Bruce asks someone to read him part of a file or dossier when prepping for a mission, the child in question must respond, "What up, I'm Dick/Jason/Tim/Damian, I'm 19, and I never fucking learned how to read," or else pay $10 to the brother on the right.

17: Bruce still doesn't know why the boys lost it the one time he told Tim to "watch his profanity."

18: Steaks are now banned from meals at Wayne Manor, after that one time Dick wouldn't stop saying "I smell like beeeeef" after dinner.

19: Bruce also doesn't understand why, if he tries to say something to one of his boys while they're busy doing something, their response is "Adam!"

20: And of course, there was the time that Jason was punching out a criminal, all the while screaming "When will you learn that your actions have consequences?" in the highest falsetto voice that Bruce has ever heard or ever will hear.


	3. Chapter 3

21: Introductions to potential Wayne Enterprise business partners are often made saying "Hi, my name is Chelsea, what's your favorite dinner food?" Bruce has now had to threaten to cut the next person to say this completely out of the will.

22: After a long and stressful night patrolling, Damian has been known to pound two to four Red Bulls in order to stay awake during school the next day. It's at moments like this when he prowls the hallways outside bedrooms with two of Alfred's cookie sheets, yelling "I didn't get no sleep cause y'all, y'all not gonna get no sleep cause of me."

23: "Try me, bitch," is Dick's catchphrase. 

24: "So, no head?" is Jason's.

25: Tim is prone to screaming "Look at all those chickens!" at any random flock of birds. This action causes Alfred, an avid orthinologist, to break out in hives. 

26: In keeping with the chicken vibe, chicken strips have now been banned from Wayne Manor. 

27: Since Dick is a former acrobat, and also a donut addict, Bruce has now had to write several checks to various Krispy Kremes around Gotham for amounts larger than just donuts. Bruce still can't understand why Dick can't just leave the neon signs alone, but he's already broken his fifth one. 

28: The one time that Tim managed to procure some weed, the incessant beeping of microwaves all around the house was more than enough to make Bruce almost cry.

29: Speaking of weed, every afternoon at 4:20, the boys take it upon themselves to shout "4:20, what ya smokin?" at each other, Bruce, Alfred, and occasionally unfortunate passerby and the Justice League. 

30: Every single fight and Bruce means EVERY SINGLE FIGHT ends with one angry party or another storming from the room before turning back to say "I thought you were bae. Turns out, you were just fam," before flashing a weird hand gesture Bruce thinks may be a gang symbol while everyone else glares at the retreating back.


	4. Chapter 4

41: "Hi, my name is Trey, I have a basketball game tomorrow," is a common method of introduction. 

42: Anytime anyone throws anything, whoever the projectile is aimed at has to (Bruce is pretty sure it's a has to thing) say "Whoever threw that paper, your mom's a hoe."

43: Birthdays are the worst, Bruce knows, simply because there's a 137% chance someone is going to say, "So you just gonna bring me a birthday gift on my birthday to my birthday party on my birthday with a birthday gift?" and then smash a glass or a piece of cake or a chair or another brother over someone's head. 

44: Bruce has banned the boys from answering the door at large parties, simply because he can't handle "Hi, welcome to Chili's." He's stopped trying to curb the tide. Once, Dick said this when opening the door for the pizza man, who went "Stop! I could've dropped my croissant!" Each boy tipped him a hundred bucks. 

45: "Has anyone ever told you you look like Beyonce?" is a common form of greeting around Wayne Manor.

46: Anytime someone drops and then catches an object, you'll hear "Hurricane Katrina? More like Hurricane Tortilla," whether the object is a bag of tortilla chips or not. 

47: Bruce had to put a stop to the idea of the Wayne Family Annual Christmas Card being a series of photos of each boy holding a succession of signs: "Happy Christhums," followed by "It's Chrismas," followed by "Merry Crisis," and finally, "Merry Chrysler." 

48: There was the time that Alfred had to stitch Jason back up after a particularly nasty mission. When Alfred asked Jason what happened, Jason casually replied, "To make a long fucking story short, I put a whole bag of jelly beans up my ass," and Alfred stabbed him with the needle. 

49: Once again, Christmas morning is kind of a nightmare. Dick will hand a present to Jason, saying "I have brought you frankincense," to which Jason replies "Thank you," before turning to Tim, who says "I have brought you myrrh." Damian then will say "mur-DER," while the others all gasp "JUDAS!" in horror. 

50: And of course, when threatening super villains, there's the common chorus of "I won't hesitate, bitch."


	5. Chapter 5

51: Whenever Bruce is about to punch out a bad guy, there's usually a hushed chorus in the background chanting, "You better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out!" with increasing volume and intensity.

52: Last time someone "killed" Jason (let's be honest, it was probably Ra's al Ghul), his first words upon resurrection were "I'm a bad bitch, you can't kill me."

53: Bruce is routinely greeted by the boys singing "You are my dad, boogie woogie woogie," to Bruce's terror and Alfred's delight.

54: Any Christmas or birthday present, and by any I mean literally any, is acknowledged by "It's an avocado, thankssss."

55: Last time Batman had to help Commissioner Gordon quell a riot, Tim got up with a megaphone and screamed over the chaos, "What's better than this? Guys being dudes!"

56: Alfred once made chicken for dinner. When he inquired how the meal was, he got one response of "Delicious as always, Alfred, thank you" (that was Bruce) and four shouts of "FUCK YA CHICKEN STRIPS!" No one knows where Alfred got Dick's bo staff from, but the bruised and broken knuckles they had for weeks after reminded them to never, ever, ever again say something like that in front of Alfred.

57: "Ahh, stop, I could've dropped my croissant!" is the response whenever the Joker tries a jump scare.

58: Dick once began an official Wayne Enterprises gala speech by announcing, "My name's Trey, I got a basketball game tomorrow, I'm a point guard, I got shoe game..."

59: Jason also has a nasty habit of saying "Country boy, I love you, ahh," to any even remotely pretty boy he sees while out on patrol.

60: Damian's response to any awkward conversation is "Oh my god, they were roommates."


End file.
